konstantine
by kvm
Summary: no real pairing, but definite LIT undertones. it's about wanting what you can't have and stringing others and yourself along.


Title: Konstantine  
  
Author: Kate, katem-23, k8, whatever you want to call me.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Angst. Wanting what you can't have. R/J . One parter. No more- don't ask for it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. I don't own or run the band Something Corporate and I didn't write the song 'Konstantine'  
  
Spoilers: The existence of characters. Maybe a few from season one or two, mildly.  
  
Author's Notes: I wrote this a while ago.during the summer actually. But I didn't get very many reviews, and I thought that maybe some people would be interested in reading it. It's sort of intense, but that's just me. I left the original A/N intact so read on.  
  
Just.wanted to. Write this, that is. I get hit with inspiration and I'll need to write. One of the biggest influences on my writing is music. This was one of those times. When my fingers float over the keys, and the words and story take over. I write what I've always wanted to be.someone else. Someone with a life more complex, deep and exotic than my own. I'm insatiable you could say. I have this yearning to be something else that I'm not willing to turn myself into, so rather than becoming that I write it.  
  
The song really has little to do with the story, but it's a really emotional and powerful song, and it had me writing so I decided to name it after it.  
  
Dedication: To Milo and Alexis, because I can't dedicate it to people who don't exist, and they are the closest thing to my real inspiration. To the girls on the thread, without you, I would be bored.a lot.  
  
*****  
  
RORY POV.  
  
*****  
  
Does being in a relationship make you feel any less alone? Can it? Should it?  
  
Is it wrong to be with someone and long for someone else. To want nothing else but to be held by them and only them.yet you stay with whoever you are with because he's with someone else and being truly alone just doesn't seem right.  
  
So I drag him along. I feel bad for him, it's not his fault I don't love him anymore. I'm not sure when I realized it, but I did. And that's really too bad because it was just after that boy found someone else. So I'm with someone, but I'm alone. He can kiss me, wrap his arms around me, but I'll never be satisfied because it's not the right person. One can never fill the other's place.  
  
It's been different since he came back. It's been different since I came back. I'm detached now. Trying to fill the void that is incomprehensible to anyone but me. And maybe him. Maybe he understands where I'm coming from. He usually does. We understand each other.  
  
That's why I need him so badly. Connections are the sort of things you can't ignore. I can't ignore how I feel for him, yet I must. Because it is impossible.  
  
I can't stand to see him hurt. He can't stand to see me hurt. Yet here we are ripping at each other, for no real reason. It's not easy.  
  
It took me too long to figure out what I really wanted. I'm too indecisive, I should probably work on that.  
  
I have all these dreams and he's the only one who has ever made me think about what I really want. Not just what I think I want. Because truth is, I do a lot of things in my life because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. So I do them, even if I don't want to. But I shouldn't have to.what do I really want? Do I even know?  
  
I want him.  
  
It's that simple. But it's nice to know that the one thing I really want in my life at this moment is impossible to get.  
  
Jess.  
  
He isn't limpid like so many others. I can't read him like I can other people. The ones that wear their heart on their sleeve because they are too oblivious to the truth that they are really alone and wrong, yet, maybe they are the only ones that are truly happy because they have their eyes shut to how life really works. I was one of those people. He opened my eyes.  
  
When I'm by myself in the dark I shake. Tears and pain and guilty thoughts consume my body. I can't handle being without him but I can't be with him.  
  
I'm scared. Scared of how much I love him. Scared of never being with him. Scared of never being happy.of dying alone. I don't want to die alone and unhappy. I can't. Friends are only satisfying to a point. They can't always fill up that piece of your heart that is missing.  
  
I miss him. I miss the way things were when I was still unmindful of what I really wanted. What my heart needed. When I was too naïve to realize that he wanted me. That he loved me.  
  
I'll never let him go. I can't.  
  
I should probably talk to him, but what good will it do? He's with her, I'm with him. Separate we're unhappy, together we'd reach.god knows what. But at least I could maybe feel something besides the numb that is eating away at my insides. Killing me slowly. From the inside out.  
  
He knows how I feel. When I sit across the room from where he's standing and I catch a fleeting glance and for a split second I am elevated. I rise above it all. But then the gaze is broken and I crash.  
  
So I'll wait for another one.no matter how long it takes to come, just to feel, even if it's for a moment. It's better then nothing.  
  
And nothing is all I have right now. 


End file.
